Why Am I still Single?!

This is a frequent question I get from male prospects and well-intentioned people generally. I think it’s supposed to be a compliment. In other words, you’re so wonderful, how could you possibly still be single? Of course the other read is that I must have major issues or I wouldn’t still be on the market. Hmmm…I choose the first interpretation. But what is the market? Am I a unit for trade, hot today and less valuable tomorrow?

Well, I AM Black so apparently I’m supposed to be gnashing my teeth at the lack of available Black men. One reason that’s not going to happen is because I don’t buy it. Off the top of my head I can reel off the names of five single, seeking Black men of the type highly sought after by any woman. These five also just happen to want to partner with a Black woman. As unlikely as this sounds based on media portrayals, they ARE out there. And since I know them, why aren’t WE together? The answer is also the common sense reason why I’m still single: these men and me were/are NOT compatible.  Great guys  – not for me. So if I’m going to do any weeping and wailing it’s going to be at the difficulty in finding a compatible man –period.

It is far too easy to get into a bad relationship so these things should not be forced. And because of my “quirky” nature (and age), I can’t afford to rule out by race. Of course we are all multi-faceted but I’ve been told I’m a little harder to characterize. For example: I’ve never dreamt of the day I would marry, my biological clock has never ticked and I accept that monogamy and love are two entirely different concepts, not dependent on each other. These qualities are attractive to some but not the vast majority. I just think the odds are better for those whose values and ideas of happily ever after are aligned with mainstream thinking. And even as I acknowledge my unique challenges, I haven’t made “finding” him a priority. If I were really concerned (or desperate) I’d be out there; trolling the marketplace like a…well, like somebody on a mission. The men are out there to wade through, no sense in blaming statistics. I enjoy being single and that is the real reason why I still am.

And when being single is not fun, I console myself with the fact that it’s better for me to be alone and happy than off the market and miserable. This is not a band-aid fix. I know it’s not either/or and I look forward to the day when I meet the right person. But in the meantime, it’s not so bad being single…not bad at all. Besides, I know my happiness makes me much more attractive to whoever is interested in taking me off the market. All things in due time or not; life goes on.

3 Responses to “Why Am I still Single?!”

  • hmurchison:

    Maybe your next book should be on this topic (as if there aren’t a bajillion already). “Why are you still single” to me is a statement that comes from people as a sort of psuedo compliment. The easiest answer I can tell those who ask is that after so long I know what works for me and what doesn’t and while there are a lot of good women out there who are single that doesn’t mean they have to like me or I have to like them beyond friendship. Relationships ..err the right relationship isn’t quite that easy to come by in my experience.

  • Yes, I know…its hard to put together a jigsaw puzzle in the wind. Folks who enjoy being single are actually just loners who thrive on intensity, and then sputter their way out of it when the luster wears away. Especially folks who have opportunities that others do not, be they good looking, intelligent or possess any other attractive factor. The bottom line: enjoying being single is a selfish affair with self, and that is not a bad thing, until one tries to unite with another who is the exact opposite. Yes, the claim to enjoy being single basically means “I like to do what I wanna do whenever I wanna do it, and answering to no one is more pleasurable then planning it with someone.” As a single man most of my life, I have been this way and I must tell you, its great telling stories with folks who shared the experience then with folks who have to imagine.

  • David:

    Statisticly it’s been proven that “Life” expectantcy is longer for people involved in long term (example:marriage)relationships. Their is something to be said about “sharing” life’s experiences with a significant “other”. Comfort,confidence that a relationship is meant to be with a particular person(call them a soul mate…whatever)has huge implications. As two separate individuals you choose to become “ONE” not in the physical sense but certainly in the philosophical & spiritual sense.With this in mind it’s much more entertaining to share this experience with someone you love and respect rather than yourself. In your last days you will be very disappointed to “share” your “life’s” story with a nurse’s aid or bathroom mirror.

Leave a Reply

The Book