YourBlackFriend.com

What is Racism? The Census Negro category, Senator Harry Reid’s comments about Obama and Glenn Beck’s most recent statement that African-American is not a race – are NOT racism. So what is it? It boggles the mind really, and not because we can’t find a definition (or it doesn’t exist); but because it all depends on whom you ask. Even my selected definition may not jibe with what you believe. Maybe you mean prejudiced or a bigoted. There is a difference you know. But in the end does it matter?  You call me a racist (it happens) and now what? You might as well have called me a Gubardink for as much meaning as it has. I have no way of knowing what that means to YOU.

In the midst of a heated conversation where a charge of racism might be made, the only thing I know is that you intend to offend. For me it’s the same as calling me a nigger. I know you mean harm but I can’t do anything with it since it has nothing to do with me personally. It’s a non sequitur. The worst part is “racist” tagging is a conversation ender. It’s intended to put you in your place because really all you can do is deny (which makes you seem guilty) or ignore – which shuts down the conversation. Just like race baiting (i.e. playing the race card), calling a wise person a racist has become passé. It’s a shame because there ARE instances where use of the word is appropriate when defining a pattern of behavior or actions. However, all this random usage makes it nearly impossible to call it when it’s real. It’s a classic case of the boy who cried Racism and it has backfired – big time.

And what if I call YOU a racist and you stopped to ask what I mean? Not assuming my intention but literally asking what I meant to imply? Not EVERYTHING is racist / racism. People tell me my book title is racist. Huh? Maybe like text language this willy-nilly use of the word represents a general breakdown in communication skills; when all else fails cry racism. I don’t know. What I do know is that people have to be bold enough to stop their accuser in their tracks. Get some clarification. If not how can we ever hope to advance past rudimentary name calling to intelligent dialogue and productive relations? A cynical part of me thinks the overall goal is to NOT advance the conversation; things are just fine the way they are. I don’t think there’s a conspiracy per se, just a lazy way of thinking and relating to each other. And that is something we truly need to “get over”. 

This is a frequent question I get from male prospects and well-intentioned people generally. I think it’s supposed to be a compliment. In other words, you’re so wonderful, how could you possibly still be single? Of course the other read is that I must have major issues or I wouldn’t still be on the market. Hmmm…I choose the first interpretation. But what is the market? Am I a unit for trade, hot today and less valuable tomorrow?

Well, I AM Black so apparently I’m supposed to be gnashing my teeth at the lack of available Black men. One reason that’s not going to happen is because I don’t buy it. Off the top of my head I can reel off the names of five single, seeking Black men of the type highly sought after by any woman. These five also just happen to want to partner with a Black woman. As unlikely as this sounds based on media portrayals, they ARE out there. And since I know them, why aren’t WE together? The answer is also the common sense reason why I’m still single: these men and me were/are NOT compatible.  Great guys  – not for me. So if I’m going to do any weeping and wailing it’s going to be at the difficulty in finding a compatible man –period.

It is far too easy to get into a bad relationship so these things should not be forced. And because of my “quirky” nature (and age), I can’t afford to rule out by race. Of course we are all multi-faceted but I’ve been told I’m a little harder to characterize. For example: I’ve never dreamt of the day I would marry, my biological clock has never ticked and I accept that monogamy and love are two entirely different concepts, not dependent on each other. These qualities are attractive to some but not the vast majority. I just think the odds are better for those whose values and ideas of happily ever after are aligned with mainstream thinking. And even as I acknowledge my unique challenges, I haven’t made “finding” him a priority. If I were really concerned (or desperate) I’d be out there; trolling the marketplace like a…well, like somebody on a mission. The men are out there to wade through, no sense in blaming statistics. I enjoy being single and that is the real reason why I still am.

And when being single is not fun, I console myself with the fact that it’s better for me to be alone and happy than off the market and miserable. This is not a band-aid fix. I know it’s not either/or and I look forward to the day when I meet the right person. But in the meantime, it’s not so bad being single…not bad at all. Besides, I know my happiness makes me much more attractive to whoever is interested in taking me off the market. All things in due time or not; life goes on.

Well here I am (in Denver, CO) at the start of another new year! Blessed to be healthy, employed, in my right mind and living in a land and time of opportunity. As usual I am filled with hope and anticipation for all the good that is to come. Last year was full of wonderful surprises (e.g. the explosion of P90X, increased book sales, travel abroad, relocation and amazing new friends both international and cyber). Thankfully I have a short memory when it comes to things one might consider negative. Plus, I keep them in proper perspective as opportunities for growth. As we create our circumstances, surely there is a lesson in everything and everyone we encounter.

I have nothing profound to say and no groundbreaking resolutions. My “list” doesn’t change much from year to year but I do have an ever-increasing understanding of how better to accomplish my ends. Everything great in my life flows from and is determined by my ability to:

Live authentically; create and prepare for the opportunities that are coming my way; let go of those things and people that are not in my interest; cut myself some slack and trust that all things work for my good – even when in the moment I can’t see how.

My wish for you, the world and myself is that this be our best year ever. Seek the highest in yourself and others and all things are possible.

Habari Gani? Perhaps you’ve heard of Kwanzaa? It’s a relatively new (1966) weeklong celebration created to (re)-affirm seven principles in the lives of African-Americans. I don’t specifically set out to celebrate Kwanzaa anymore than I did Christmas. However, I do understand the importance of tradition/ritual and strive to live in their spirit year-round.

Christmas has interesting origins (and adherents) and has mostly devolved into the season of spending. The birth of Christ is supposed to be the reason for the Season but many don’t acknowledge or want you to mention Christ…lest you offend. That may also be true of Kwanzaa given the Founder and context under which it was created. Depending upon whom you ask, creator Dr. Maulana (Ron) Karenga is a hero or a villain. You can read all about how Kwanzaa came out of the Black Nationalist movement and was originally intended to subvert Christmas for African-Americans (the horror). Or you may focus your energy and attention on what it means in the minds of those who celebrate the holiday, just as you do with Christmas.

I choose the latter. There’s nothing wrong with expressing the spirit embodied in both of these holidays. You don’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas any more than you have to be in love to embrace Valentine’s Day. The principles of Kwanzaa are FOR but not against any particular group.  Anytime people are willing to set aside differences and support one another is a reason for celebration. Encouraging and allowing each to express in their way (as long as it doesn’t harm) has the potential to benefit us all. And at the very least it’s a chance to eat different grub, wear colorful attire and learn something new. Extend your holiday season!!

Legislation is effective to a point but it usually happens AFTER the people have spoken. Thankfully there are more people who believe or at least behave as though we are beyond racism. They’re not intentionally malicious when they ask questions or occasionally misspeak. They wouldn’t even begin to know how to keep you down. And while it’s great that legislation brought civil rights, a lot of people came along grudgingly. That’s not ideal but it’s fine (for now) since we’ve made it to a promised land of sorts.

The holdouts that finally joined the movement, at least in spirit, caved to peer pressure. When everyone around them was swept up and they saw the tide turning they conceded defeat, at least in public. It was no longer okay publicize their ignorant ways. This is what is needed today. For the rational among us to bring a wave of peer pressure to bear on those who would disturb the racial peace we seek.

When someone tells a racist (or any phobic) joke, they must be called out. In a given situation I use any means, including lies, to let a person know that their words are NOT okay with me. I’ve claimed to be Muslim, gay, and half-anything I can get away with to make my point. For example:  “My mother is Japanese and I don’t appreciate the statement you just made”. It’s very effective. People are a lot less bold when they realize someone in their presence finds their behavior objectionable and is willing to speak on it. Even if it doesn’t change their heart, it gives them pause and they WILL think twice before spouting hateful remarks in unknown company.

For a “non-colored” person, it is all the more important for you to do because you may truly be seen as a peer. And for a person of color, you might think it’s okay because it’s not about your group. But you can believe that the bigot who thinks it’s okay (because there are no Japanese around) has thoughts about your group that slip out just as easily when it’s “safe”.

Perhaps it is my nature and because I am genuinely offended that I thoroughly enjoy doing this. I can’t know your thoughts but your outright bigotry will not go unchecked around me. It may at first feel scary to you but remember, silence and inaction is akin to assent. Your silence sends the message that it’s okay with you. It’s not okay with me and I’m happy to let you know it…in the nicest way of course. And since some people feel especially emboldened on the Internet, I want to give you an opportunity to practice peer pressure on a man proud of his ignorance. The following is an email I received on my website. I can’t make this stuff up. I forwarded it to the ADL and Klanwatch but maybe you’d like to let John know how you feel:

John <donkerman69@gmail.com>

 I have always wondered why do Niggers smell like rank ass? This subject has always perplexed me. Do they never shower? Are those cornrows pulled too tight? Tell those stinky bastards to go buy some deodorant. Please shed some light on this subject.  

Sincerely,

John Ruger

Klansmen and Youth Corp Activity Director