Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Ain’t I a Woman? (pt. I)
I spend a lot of time reading about Black women (BW) lamenting their fate. Yeah, it’s tough all around. Given the lack of available Black men and chances for finding love with the few that are viable…it’s hard out there for a BW. My response is that patriarchy and feminism has got us twisted. This is true for all women but BW (and consequently the Black community) are particularly dazed by their effects. By simple definition, patriarchy means control by men. And feminism is supposed to be about gender equality. So now no one knows their role and we’ve more or less turned against each other.
Black women are both the victor and villain in today’s headlines. As a result of feminism among other things, we are more educated than our brothers, can provide our own financial security and enjoy more sexual freedoms. But are low marriage rates and the breakdown of the Black family our fault? Is it our fault that for all “appearances” our men don’t want us? Is it our fault that so many Black men are imprisoned? A lot of factors are at work here. And while we may not bear first line responsibility, we have played our part. Willie Lynch Letter in full effect.
Men have their part to play. And this is not about us vs. them. This is about us – Black Women. Thanks to feminism, you CAN go it alone. And since you are a woman in a patriarchal society, you are imminently less threatening and more employable and than a Black man. But that’s the gist, you are a WOMAN and with that comes a great deal of power and responsibility.
Once upon a long time ago, women were the moral barometers of society. But the patriarchy has caused us to forget who we are and now we see ourselves through the eyes of men. Just because you have the freedom to sex like a man doesn’t mean you should. But if you must, do IT responsibly. Men have many of us thinking that if we don’t give IT up (the sooner the better and preferably without a condom) we might miss out on a “good man”. Please. Giving it up has NEVER kept a man. And if you don’t believe me, ask a man.
Yes you can take care of home but do you want to raise that child alone? It was YOU who chose unprotected sex endangering your health and almost guaranteeing a fatherless home for your child. It is YOU contributing more fatherless sons for the prison industrial complex and fatherless daughters seeking acceptance from whomever wants to give it to them? (See part II).
And what of the high rates of STD’s and HIV among BW? You DO NOT place responsibility for your health on a male. You must insist on a condom both for protection and contraception. No MAN is going to ask you for sex without a condom. If he does he doesn’t care about himself and he damn sure doesn’t care about you and your sexual health. Is this the dude you’re willing to die/risk infection for? Or, become impregnated by? Am I the only one horrified that Lil’ Wayne impregnated two women within weeks of each other or do we accept that’s just how things are?
The point is it is OUR responsibility to say no and look out for ourselves. Women are going to have to be the ones to put a check on this world gone mad. Listen, men are men. I love them and don’t fault them for being who they are; but I also understand what I’m dealing with. It is their goal to get your defenses down by any means necessary. Sex is the object. They are not as affected by the post-sex release of Oxytocin (aka the cuddle hormone). They are not the ones who will carry the child for 9 months. And they are not the ones who will feel obliged to stick around and parent that child.
All I’m saying is respect and protect yourself. We have a lot of power to influence for good but first we must wake up from our collective brainwashing. Think about it, no one goes to great lengths to suppress a non-threat. Women will once again be treated like women when they act like women. Know your worth. This is a man’s world, but it woudn’t be nothing without a woman or a girl ~James Brown.
You Are NOT Your Ass! (pt. II)
We Black women have been sexualized to within an inch of our lives. Literally. But somewhere along the way we bought whole hog into the idea that we are our ass or some other body part. I hear dudes talking about who is wife material based on the size of a female’s ass. As if they have any idea what it means to be a husband. A grown man knows that a big ass doesn’t get you through hard times, improve your credit score or guarantee fidelity; anymore than their enlarged body parts guarantee satisfaction. But WE know better. We must reclaim our role.
Video vixens be damned – YOU are the queen…the receiver. Do not give up your POWER. You have something men seek and will go to great lengths to obtain – if you allow them to play their role. Your power lies in your ability to grant or deny men something they desperately want. It’s not about gamesmanship; it’s supply and demand and knowing your role. Allow them to do the work. And sure they can get it elsewhere but then you’ll know they intended to (as James Brown said) hit it and quit it.
In the age of the sex tape insta-celebrity, there will always be a Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose or Coco around. And men DO like to look so you should always look your best. But you are not your ass; do not own that. No one should be talking to you about sex within minutes, hours or days of meeting you. I don’t like dudes (you’ll notice I didn’t say men) referencing any body part when we first meet–that’s just me. A well-intentioned respectful man knows better and/or it’s your job to let him know it’s inappropriate.
The saddest part is these commonly accepted ideas have largely come from the mouths of babes. Most of what permeates the culture came out of the mind of someone under 30. What is the common theme in almost all of today’s popular R&B / rap music? It is SEX. Not 30 seconds into most popular songs (and definitely in the hook) you’ll find somebody talking about your body, what they can do and how good they can do it – or expect you to do it. Is that all these dudes have to say to us? And that’s where we get the idea our entire worth is centered on our backside? It is OUR responsibility as women to reverse this current trend if we want better. And as corny as it sounds, it’s important for the sake of future generations.
When Black men show no interest or threaten they can always find someone willing to put out…so be it. I AM the full package – not to be relegated to body parts or sex acts. And know this ladies, if the trifling brothers don’t want you (cause they’re not all the same) there are others who will happily and respectfully pick up the slack. Remember who you are and act accordingly. The men are counting on us.
I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
I have a problem. I am never satisfied. Now that can be a good thing when it comes to personal development. A high drive to better myself translates to improved relationships but is that enough?
By American standards, I’m not living the high life. I don’t have a big screen television; I don’t even own a television. I have only one car (it’s 11 years old), I live in an apartment and I don’t have health insurance. But don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t have a t.v. because I don’t want one. I live in an apartment because I enjoy a nomadic existence (7 moves in 10 years) and that old car has gotten me everywhere I’ve wanted to go, without a car payment. As for the health insurance, well thank God I’m healthy. I can’t remember the last time I was sick and without an affordable remedy. So, what I DO have is my health, shelter, friends who love me, a job, a book that consistently sells, food to spare and enough in my bank account to be able to give to those in need. And yet I’m not satisfied?
I’m finally embracing that gratitude is one key to inner peace. Learning to be happy (satisfied) with what I have. It may not compare to what other people have but what of it? I’ve been looking at it like a contest and that’s a big part of the problem. Constantly comparing self to others leads to a never-ending cycle. And if I do play to win, what would winning look like? It’s NOT a competition. There will always be someone smarter, prettier, wealthier and more spiritual. Having aspirations and goals is important. It becomes a problem when it keeps me from presently appreciating my many blessings.
Right now, times are tough in the U.S. But having been fortunate enough to travel abroad (3 months this year), I’ve seen first hand what REAL tough times look like; and we’re not talking economic downturn. And maybe it doesn’t make sense to compare apples to oranges since we believe we have a right to better and more. However, you don’t have to look too far past your neighborhood to see that you’ve got it good. Not as a comparison but simply as a reminder. Just as this post is a reminder to me to be thankful cause I’ve got it good! And that IS enough.
Happy Birthday to Me!
It’s my birthday and I’ll post if I want to. Yes I’m a fabulous Sagittarius and if you can’t talk about yourself on your own blog then where else is it appropriate?
I want to take this time to sing the praises of online friendships. Today was made extra special by the friendships I’ve developed online by way of P90X and Facebook. Even though I am YourBlackfriend online I was one of those people who doubted the value of social networking. It’s supposed to be for self-aggrandizing and to some extent I’ve been able to use it for that. Of course not the extent that I’d like but that’s for 2010; YourBlackfriend is working on making herself more available through podcasts and maybe even personal appearances. Nevertheless, the friendships I’ve made through people seeking me out online have been amazing. If you’re unacquainted with P90X, it’s an exercise program that I had the dumb luck to be associated with and subsequently appeared in their DVDs (PamtheBlam) which are doing amazingly well, and also work as advertised. I’ve helped to contribute to that company’s bottom line so if you want to check out their product, you should buy through me. In doing so you’ll also be helping a non-profit that I believe does excellent work.
Social networking has also led more people to my book. I know this because each week I send loads of books to Amazon.com for delivery. And while I am immensely grateful, Amazon takes 55% of my profit, simply for listing my book. I can’t quite understand why people opt to purchase through Amazon when they can securely purchase through this website. Why oh why???? If you really want to be a friend BUY through this website. I can even personalize my book to your liking and it’s less expensive. At the very least, click on the new and used options on Amazon and buy through YourBlackfriend there.
Okay, where was I? It’s been a great year. I thank all my online friends who helped to make me feel special today. I moved to a new city (Denver) after traveling abroad (Central America) for 3 months and this birthday could have been ugly. But the love was spread and felt online. As I memorialize this day as the start of my new year I look forward to increasing my contacts, cyber and otherwise in the New Year. I’m also open to any suggestions of what you would like to hear from YourBlackfriend. Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!
If I Knew You Were Comin’
The split second between the first time a person lays eyes on me and the instantaneous realization that I am Black is always funny to me. It cannot be disguised. And people do attempt to compose themselves by chalking their reaction up to: “Oh, I thought you’d be older, younger…even fatter”. But facial expressions do not lie. And depending on my mood, I might toy with them by asking if they were expecting someone different. Anyway, it’s not like they can come out and say: “So…you’re Black huh?” That’s definitely not the best way to begin when we’re meeting in a professional capacity. And yes, it IS funny to me but only because (1) I’m accustomed to it and (2) I’m employed.
It’s NOT so funny when you don’t have a job and have had to get in the practice of “Whitening” your résumé just to get an interview. “Whitening the Résumé” is a term I picked up from a N.Y. Times article about the lengths Black folks go to get their foot in the door. And as I discussed in my Book, Black women often need to take it a step further by altering their appearance (hairstyle). So…there’s a need to hide your race and/or dial back your Blackness in order to find gainful employment? Ouch.
What can be said about the racial differences in joblessness that hasn’t already been said? Do we continue to attribute EVERYTHING to race? Not without a diligent inspection of the facts but the phenomenon (and repercussions), as discussed in the N.Y. Times article are as real today as ever – and you can chalk that up to whatever you want.
