YourBlackFriend.com

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Well here I am (in Denver, CO) at the start of another new year! Blessed to be healthy, employed, in my right mind and living in a land and time of opportunity. As usual I am filled with hope and anticipation for all the good that is to come. Last year was full of wonderful surprises (e.g. the explosion of P90X, increased book sales, travel abroad, relocation and amazing new friends both international and cyber). Thankfully I have a short memory when it comes to things one might consider negative. Plus, I keep them in proper perspective as opportunities for growth. As we create our circumstances, surely there is a lesson in everything and everyone we encounter.

I have nothing profound to say and no groundbreaking resolutions. My “list” doesn’t change much from year to year but I do have an ever-increasing understanding of how better to accomplish my ends. Everything great in my life flows from and is determined by my ability to:

Live authentically; create and prepare for the opportunities that are coming my way; let go of those things and people that are not in my interest; cut myself some slack and trust that all things work for my good – even when in the moment I can’t see how.

My wish for you, the world and myself is that this be our best year ever. Seek the highest in yourself and others and all things are possible.

Habari Gani? Perhaps you’ve heard of Kwanzaa? It’s a relatively new (1966) weeklong celebration created to (re)-affirm seven principles in the lives of African-Americans. I don’t specifically set out to celebrate Kwanzaa anymore than I did Christmas. However, I do understand the importance of tradition/ritual and strive to live in their spirit year-round.

Christmas has interesting origins (and adherents) and has mostly devolved into the season of spending. The birth of Christ is supposed to be the reason for the Season but many don’t acknowledge or want you to mention Christ…lest you offend. That may also be true of Kwanzaa given the Founder and context under which it was created. Depending upon whom you ask, creator Dr. Maulana (Ron) Karenga is a hero or a villain. You can read all about how Kwanzaa came out of the Black Nationalist movement and was originally intended to subvert Christmas for African-Americans (the horror). Or you may focus your energy and attention on what it means in the minds of those who celebrate the holiday, just as you do with Christmas.

I choose the latter. There’s nothing wrong with expressing the spirit embodied in both of these holidays. You don’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas any more than you have to be in love to embrace Valentine’s Day. The principles of Kwanzaa are FOR but not against any particular group.  Anytime people are willing to set aside differences and support one another is a reason for celebration. Encouraging and allowing each to express in their way (as long as it doesn’t harm) has the potential to benefit us all. And at the very least it’s a chance to eat different grub, wear colorful attire and learn something new. Extend your holiday season!!

Legislation is effective to a point but it usually happens AFTER the people have spoken. Thankfully there are more people who believe or at least behave as though we are beyond racism. They’re not intentionally malicious when they ask questions or occasionally misspeak. They wouldn’t even begin to know how to keep you down. And while it’s great that legislation brought civil rights, a lot of people came along grudgingly. That’s not ideal but it’s fine (for now) since we’ve made it to a promised land of sorts.

The holdouts that finally joined the movement, at least in spirit, caved to peer pressure. When everyone around them was swept up and they saw the tide turning they conceded defeat, at least in public. It was no longer okay publicize their ignorant ways. This is what is needed today. For the rational among us to bring a wave of peer pressure to bear on those who would disturb the racial peace we seek.

When someone tells a racist (or any phobic) joke, they must be called out. In a given situation I use any means, including lies, to let a person know that their words are NOT okay with me. I’ve claimed to be Muslim, gay, and half-anything I can get away with to make my point. For example:  “My mother is Japanese and I don’t appreciate the statement you just made”. It’s very effective. People are a lot less bold when they realize someone in their presence finds their behavior objectionable and is willing to speak on it. Even if it doesn’t change their heart, it gives them pause and they WILL think twice before spouting hateful remarks in unknown company.

For a “non-colored” person, it is all the more important for you to do because you may truly be seen as a peer. And for a person of color, you might think it’s okay because it’s not about your group. But you can believe that the bigot who thinks it’s okay (because there are no Japanese around) has thoughts about your group that slip out just as easily when it’s “safe”.

Perhaps it is my nature and because I am genuinely offended that I thoroughly enjoy doing this. I can’t know your thoughts but your outright bigotry will not go unchecked around me. It may at first feel scary to you but remember, silence and inaction is akin to assent. Your silence sends the message that it’s okay with you. It’s not okay with me and I’m happy to let you know it…in the nicest way of course. And since some people feel especially emboldened on the Internet, I want to give you an opportunity to practice peer pressure on a man proud of his ignorance. The following is an email I received on my website. I can’t make this stuff up. I forwarded it to the ADL and Klanwatch but maybe you’d like to let John know how you feel:

John <donkerman69@gmail.com>

 I have always wondered why do Niggers smell like rank ass? This subject has always perplexed me. Do they never shower? Are those cornrows pulled too tight? Tell those stinky bastards to go buy some deodorant. Please shed some light on this subject.  

Sincerely,

John Ruger

Klansmen and Youth Corp Activity Director

I spend a lot of time reading about Black women (BW) lamenting their fate. Yeah, it’s tough all around. Given the lack of available Black men and chances for finding love with the few that are viable…it’s hard out there for a BW. My response is that patriarchy and feminism has got us twisted. This is true for all women but BW (and consequently the Black community) are particularly dazed by their effects. By simple definition, patriarchy means control by men. And feminism is supposed to be about gender equality. So now no one knows their role and we’ve more or less turned against each other.

Black women are both the victor and villain in today’s headlines. As a result of feminism among other things, we are more educated than our brothers, can provide our own financial security and enjoy more sexual freedoms. But are low marriage rates and the breakdown of the Black family our fault? Is it our fault that for all “appearances” our men don’t want us? Is it our fault that so many Black men are imprisoned? A lot of factors are at work here. And while we may not bear first line responsibility, we have played our part. Willie Lynch Letter in full effect.

Men have their part to play. And this is not about us vs. them. This is about us – Black Women. Thanks to feminism, you CAN go it alone. And since you are a woman in a patriarchal society, you are imminently less threatening and more employable and than a Black man. But that’s the gist, you are a WOMAN and with that comes a great deal of power and responsibility.

Once upon a long time ago, women were the moral barometers of society. But the patriarchy has caused us to forget who we are and now we see ourselves through the eyes of men. Just because you have the freedom to sex like a man doesn’t mean you should. But if you must, do IT responsibly. Men have many of us thinking that if we don’t give IT up (the sooner the better and preferably without a condom) we might miss out on a “good man”.  Please. Giving it up has NEVER kept a man. And if you don’t believe me, ask a man.

Yes you can take care of home but do you want to raise that child alone? It was YOU who chose unprotected sex endangering your health and almost guaranteeing a fatherless home for your child. It is YOU contributing more fatherless sons for the prison industrial complex and fatherless daughters seeking acceptance from whomever wants to give it to them? (See part II).

And what of the high rates of STD’s and HIV among BW? You DO NOT place responsibility for your health on a male. You must insist on a condom both for protection and contraception. No MAN is going to ask you for sex without a condom. If he does he doesn’t care about himself and he damn sure doesn’t care about you and your sexual health. Is this the dude you’re willing to die/risk infection for? Or, become impregnated by? Am I the only one horrified that Lil’ Wayne impregnated two women within weeks of each other or do we accept that’s just how things are?

The point is it is OUR responsibility to say no and look out for ourselves. Women are going to have to be the ones to put a check on this world gone mad. Listen, men are men. I love them and don’t fault them for being who they are; but I also understand what I’m dealing with. It is their goal to get your defenses down by any means necessary. Sex is the object. They are not as affected by the post-sex release of Oxytocin (aka the cuddle hormone). They are not the ones who will carry the child for 9 months. And they are not the ones who will feel obliged to stick around and parent that child.

All I’m saying is respect and protect yourself. We have a lot of power to influence for good but first we must wake up from our collective brainwashing. Think about it, no one goes to great lengths to suppress a non-threat. Women will once again be treated like women when they act like women. Know your worth.  This is a man’s world, but it woudn’t be nothing without a woman or a girl ~James Brown.

We Black women have been sexualized to within an inch of our lives. Literally. But somewhere along the way we bought whole hog into the idea that we are our ass or some other body part. I hear dudes talking about who is wife material based on the size of a female’s ass. As if they have any idea what it means to be a husband. A grown man knows that a big ass doesn’t get you through hard times, improve your credit score or guarantee fidelity; anymore than their enlarged body parts guarantee satisfaction. But WE know better. We must reclaim our role.

Video vixens be damned – YOU are the queen…the receiver. Do not give up your POWER. You have something men seek and will go to great lengths to obtain – if you allow them to play their role. Your power lies in your ability to grant or deny men something they desperately want. It’s not about gamesmanship; it’s supply and demand and knowing your role. Allow them to do the work. And sure they can get it elsewhere but then you’ll know they intended to (as James Brown said) hit it and quit it.

In the age of the sex tape insta-celebrity, there will always be a Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose or Coco around. And men DO like to look so you should always look your best. But you are not your ass; do not own that.  No one should be talking to you about sex within minutes, hours or days of meeting you. I don’t like dudes (you’ll notice I didn’t say men) referencing any body part when we first meet–that’s just me. A well-intentioned respectful man knows better and/or it’s your job to let him know it’s inappropriate.

The saddest part is these commonly accepted ideas have largely come from the mouths of babes. Most of what permeates the culture came out of the mind of someone under 30. What is the common theme in almost all of today’s popular R&B / rap music? It is SEX. Not 30 seconds into most popular songs (and definitely in the hook) you’ll find somebody talking about your body, what they can do and how good they can do it – or expect you to do it. Is that all these dudes have to say to us? And that’s where we get the idea our entire worth is centered on our backside? It is OUR responsibility as women to reverse this current trend if we want better. And as corny as it sounds, it’s important for the sake of future generations.

When Black men show no interest or threaten they can always find someone willing to put out…so be it. I AM the full package – not to be relegated to body parts or sex acts. And know this ladies, if the trifling brothers don’t want you (cause they’re not all the same) there are others who will happily and respectfully pick up the slack.  Remember who you are and act accordingly. The men are counting on us.