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Your Black friend answers many questions but today has one of her own.

Has “the Man” successfully turned us against ourselves? I mean we have to blame somebody right? The deck is indeed stacked but each generation that preceded us intended that we progress/benefit from their trials. And given all the bloodshed, pain and anguish suffered so that WE might have an opportunity – this is the outcome?

What I see manifested is outwardly directed rage and self-loathing – I don’t know how else to describe it. Black on Black crime, burning and looting our own communities (this I will NEVER understand), an obesity epidemic, HIV/AIDS rates to rival Africa, disdain for education, the popularity of “entertainment” that disparages our rich cultural heritage…shall I continue? And please don’t tell me things aren’t ALL bad – they are bad enough. So bad that we cannot afford to ignore the truth. But first we must be honest with ourselves.

Intra-racism (within the race) is rampant and a leading cause of our dysfunction. Many of us are turned against each other ala Willie Lynch: dark v. light, old v. young, women v. men and add to that the class issue. Yes I understand some of you feel above the fray because you have more money/education – I got mine now go get yours. But as you well know we are ALL painted with the same broad brush. The war against “those” Blacks includes you and your family (even if you don’t claim them) and is coming to your town. Even as you seek to distance yourself you will not be spared the stigma if nothing else. Ask Obama.

Since we’re afraid to even speak of the ills in our community how can we hope to fix them? They’re obvious to any and everyone who is paying attention and/or profiting from our self-destruction. And if someone (in-house) dares to speak the truth (Bill Cosby), no matter if you like how he said it, they get cut off at the knees. And God forbid a non-Black person raise the issue.

We are choking on denial and the stench of our dirty laundry all the while accusing, blaming, crabbing and waiting for THEM to right the wrongs. It ain’t gonna happen. America is all about WIIFM (what’s in it for me?) and until the majority of people realize a humanitarian approach benefits everybody, WE should not expect help where none is forthcoming.  Yes it may be the right thing to do but charity begins at home. I begin my part by not deceiving myself and pretending things will naturally sort themselves out. They will not. I still believe WE (not some non-invested pastor, politician or media commentator etc.) can turn the tide.

WE are the ones we have been waiting for.

Recommended reading: Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome by Joy Degruy Leary 

It has become popular among non-Blacks to question and even be mad about the fact that they cannot freely use the N-word. These folks are actually feeling self-righteous anger about being blocked from saying nigger. But wait, you wouldn’t be saying nigger in the negative way; you’ll be saying it the “cool” way – “nigga”, just like Black people. In the same way you use it amongst your friends or when singing along to your favorite hip-hop song. It’s casual, non-offensive use and you’re not a racist (you have Black friends) so what’s the big deal? Black people do it all the time so why can’t you?  

Oh brother. Well, the first part of my answer SHOULD go without saying – but I’ll say it anyway in case you’re thinking Black people are of one mind.

 A lot of Black people do NOT EVER use the word (in any variation), are extremely offended by it and are none too pleased with the fact that “nigger” (or nigga if you prefer) has become a part of common parlance. And you do know the history of the word (see nigger and book Nigger)? So, why would YOU want to say it? Is it due to a sense of entitlement (you shouldn’t be deprived of anything)?  It’s strange that you think it’s cool to say it but know it’s definitely not cool to BE it. Lucky that you can use the slang without ever having the experience (here’s a hip-hop explanation of how that might feel). 

Anyway, I say go ahead and use the word if you want. Your friends will think you’re daring and cool for using  a taboo word enveloped in so much negative history. As for the other people who hear you, well, one possibility is that they might want to (and actually will) administer a beat down of epic proportions (i.e. you might get hurt). That my friend is the risk you take. Not to mention the many people you’ll offend who will suffer your foolishness in silence. And why, just so you can say nigga? 

Listen, I am all for freedom of speech so if you insist on using the word remember that no matter how you say it, the N-word has nothing positive to do with you. You’ll want to be very careful and not get overly comfortable (John Mayer-like) with it. And if you see YourBlackfriend on the street, I don’t respond to nigger or nigga so you can save your misguided shout- out…holla.

When I was a child I spoke, thought and reasoned like a child but when I grew up I put away childish things. 1 Cor. 13:11.  When YourBlackfriend was a youth, in the years before the first celebration of Dr. King’s birthday, there was a lot of opposition to the creation of a national holiday. Part of the opposition argument was the potential cost to tax payers, singling him out above other persons and his controversial career (but we can celebrate Columbus Day?). Of course another great part of the opposition was singularly focused on his minority status as a Black man. And once the holiday was pushed through I, like many, was glad for the possibility of a day off– nothing more. But worse than that I had bought into the idea that this was somehow a holiday for Black people.

Today it’s hard to imagine people getting caught up on those things if you understand that Dr. King was a humanitarian. This means that while his primary work appeared to be centered on civil rights for Blacks, his overall goal was the improvement of conditions for ALL mankind. The only way this doesn’t apply to YOU is if you’re not human…and maybe not even then. [It seems to me Dr. King would hold the Navi lifestyle in high regard.] Nevertheless, I know that there are those who still have a problem with this Holiday.

To you I say that it’s true that as a youth I only understood Dr. King intellectually. But older, wiser and more educated, I now understand the connectedness of ALL mankind and appreciate the impact and meaning of his legacy. Simply put, we rise or fall together. This is clear in the age of globalization and poignantly highlighted by the current plight of Haitians. They and others are OUR problem. It is high time to put away childish thoughts, reasoning and petty squabbling; we pay tribute to a higher level of consciousness when we do.

Enjoy this day of remembrance but know that beyond this day, any hope for a better world depends on an ONGOING ingrained sense of duty and obligation to work towards fairness and equality for all peoples. You are your brother’s keeper and “We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

This is a frequent question I get from male prospects and well-intentioned people generally. I think it’s supposed to be a compliment. In other words, you’re so wonderful, how could you possibly still be single? Of course the other read is that I must have major issues or I wouldn’t still be on the market. Hmmm…I choose the first interpretation. But what is the market? Am I a unit for trade, hot today and less valuable tomorrow?

Well, I AM Black so apparently I’m supposed to be gnashing my teeth at the lack of available Black men. One reason that’s not going to happen is because I don’t buy it. Off the top of my head I can reel off the names of five single, seeking Black men of the type highly sought after by any woman. These five also just happen to want to partner with a Black woman. As unlikely as this sounds based on media portrayals, they ARE out there. And since I know them, why aren’t WE together? The answer is also the common sense reason why I’m still single: these men and me were/are NOT compatible.  Great guys  – not for me. So if I’m going to do any weeping and wailing it’s going to be at the difficulty in finding a compatible man –period.

It is far too easy to get into a bad relationship so these things should not be forced. And because of my “quirky” nature (and age), I can’t afford to rule out by race. Of course we are all multi-faceted but I’ve been told I’m a little harder to characterize. For example: I’ve never dreamt of the day I would marry, my biological clock has never ticked and I accept that monogamy and love are two entirely different concepts, not dependent on each other. These qualities are attractive to some but not the vast majority. I just think the odds are better for those whose values and ideas of happily ever after are aligned with mainstream thinking. And even as I acknowledge my unique challenges, I haven’t made “finding” him a priority. If I were really concerned (or desperate) I’d be out there; trolling the marketplace like a…well, like somebody on a mission. The men are out there to wade through, no sense in blaming statistics. I enjoy being single and that is the real reason why I still am.

And when being single is not fun, I console myself with the fact that it’s better for me to be alone and happy than off the market and miserable. This is not a band-aid fix. I know it’s not either/or and I look forward to the day when I meet the right person. But in the meantime, it’s not so bad being single…not bad at all. Besides, I know my happiness makes me much more attractive to whoever is interested in taking me off the market. All things in due time or not; life goes on.

On the heels of Obama’s troop escalation, more and more, things seem much the same.  And although you would never know it through the MSM (mainstream media) there are a great number of disgruntled (former?) supporters, Black and non-Black. Depending on whom you ask, he’s either too focused on Black people or not nearly enough. But when it comes to striking the appropriate racial balance, the man never stood a chance. Good thing he wasn’t elected for that purpose.

Nevertheless, one year out, there’s an upside to Obama’s “poor performance”. Once again, there’s something those folks can agree on and rally around…their disappointment. Turns out he may not be the candidate he campaigned as and they voted for. Go figure…he’s a politician. But, if you voted for him (or not) and so far you’re not happy you have every right to give him a hard time. And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. That’s what Democracy is supposed to be: government of the people, by the people, for the people. So get out there in your INTERRACIAL dissenting groups and let your unified voice be heard. Yes you can. Power to the people!